Leaving Online Relationships

**Disclaimer**
I’m bitchy, sad, depressed and feeling very much alone with my pain. Don’t read if you can’t handle that or if you are going to be butt-hurt that I am so down on my life and my “friends” – mmmmmkay?

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Last week I took a big step that I really wasn’t expecting to come up. I deleted my FaceBook profile along with all of my online “Mommy Groups”.  Some of those I was on with the same group of women for years.

Why, you ask?

I’m saddened and honestly I’m sickened by this new life we have. When the only support you receive from friends is a comment on your FaceBook status, or a message to your inbox – if you’re lucky, someone might even text message you. But will anyone reach out for a face to face – or a phone call for the ones that are too many miles away? The answer I found, is NO.

I guess I’m a little old fashioned. I like that by using FB I was able to connect instantly with friends and even a handful of my family.  I like that it’s fun to check status updates and to be able to see what everyone’s doing in a matter of minutes. But that robs us, ROBS us, of our time together, our time for ACTUAL connections. Think about it… Do you use the phone less for talking to friends/family now that you can shoot them an email, a text, a status update comment or an instant message on your MySpace or your FaceBook?

When your family goes through a crisis you need your friends to reach out to you in a personal way, showing that they care. You need your people. Unfortunately, if you’re like me, your people don’t need you. This leads me to all sorts of issues in my head about not being a good enough friend myself, not being there for others. Is this Karma? Do I not deserve some support through this? What did I do to deserve this?

My childs life was in jeopardy. My sanity went for a hike. My family lost nearly all income and our medical insurance. I’ve told my friends, I’ve cried out for help. Has ANYone really taken any steps to check on me or Abbi? I’m sorry, I know, I’m a little bit “poor me” right now. I think I deserve a little rant.

I’m pulling out of the funk I’ve been in but really, not because any of my friends or family were helpful at all. Just because I’ve reached the bottom, considered running away because I’m no good to anyone anyway… So really, I have no choice. I have to pull my head out of the sand and move on.

Bottom line, I’m tired of the 1265 acquaintances. I need friends, in a bad way right now.

To the very few that showed they cared in a personal way – I love you guys. I hope I will have the chance to repay your kindness.

I’m really hoping to start writing here again on a regular basis, maybe it will help me work out some of the many issues I have right now.

Now I understand that people feel like they could not help in any way, but let me tell you – I got a postcard in the mail and I cried because someone did think of me, someone cared. I don’t need a lot of attention, I’m not being needy or clingy… I just needed a phone call, a visit from a friend, a meal that I don’t have to prepare because I spent all day at the hospital with my kid… some little thing.

I’m not asking for these things. I’m not spending as much time at the hospital these days and although life sucks still, I’m on the way out of the pit. I just want to be clear that I’m not asking for anything. I’m just putting my feelings out there.

Spinning Wheels

“I’m glad you have your future in perspective, as I can’t say the same.”

I didn’t realize until now that I had this comment on my last post, it’s been sitting and awaiting approval since the 9th of this month, what is this – the 23rd? THAT is how far behind I am. The quote above is not all of the comment, just the part I found the most profound. Especially today. When I was coming here to write about how absolutely and totally lost I feel. Interesting that I should find such a sentence when checking in here. Don’tcha think?

I feel like all I’m doing lately is running circles just trying to get through, just trying to get to the next day and through it so I can say I made it out alive. Things are tough, really tough. We’ve had a houseguest for the last 2 months and it has been stressful on the entire household and now it’s coming to an end and I’m caught between pissed off and glad to have my house soon return to whatever kind of “normal” we will have now. I’m sad to lose a good friend. I’m glad that my daughter will be able to move into her rightful room. I’m pissed off that I will probably have to piece said room back together with my own money and sweat. But that brings me back to the sad to lose a friend part and I am starting that circle all over again.

I’m fucking tired of spinning my wheels. I want to know what I’m supposed to do with my life, where I’m supposed to be.

I don’t fit. I do not fit in anywhere.  I feel like I’m constantly on the outside looking in. Constantly.

We’ve moved too much and our bank balance, or rather, negative balance reflects that. We lose money each time we move yet we can never figure out where to be and how to be happy where we are. WTF is wrong with us?

Leaving Florida seemed to be the answer. As you can see by my last post, I really do love it here. But I wasn’t prepared for the heartache I would endure every.single.day as I miss Brenda more than I could have EVER imagined. It’s pathetic really. I hope that other friends that may read this are not hurt or offended. I’m just being completely honest here and I honestly wasn’t prepared for the kind feelings I would experience and I need to write about it. Please understand.

I don’t want to be in Florida. I hate it there – ok, just in the summer. I never thought I would like it in the winter either – wrong. I never thought I would find anyone there that was worth staying for – wrong. I never thought I’d find a couple that Adrian and I BOTH would feel a strong connection to (not like this anyway) – wrong, big wrong. I thought I would continue to hate it, that I would never want to go back, that I was doing it just to get back on track with some things and that it would be temporary.

Now, let me tell you about these fuckers Brenda and Mike. I met Brenda in the first couple of weeks after arriving in Florida, through Craigslist of all places. She put an ad up that she was looking for someone to exchange child care with. She had a 3 year old daughter she would need help with a couple of times a week. I emailed her and the next morning I ended up at her house, just visiting and seeing how the kids interacted. My girls had a fabulous time, fabulous. Brenda was pretty damn cool. We hit it off. I remember this very clearly. Brenda’s older son had an incident with the school bus driver the day before we met and she had to take a phone call regarding said incident while I was there. She was a bitch, her Mama Bear came out and let that person on the phone have it. It was awesome. I decided right then and there that she was my kind of girl. Really, who doesn’t want to be friends with someone that will stand up to someone like that?

Her husband Mike came home while she was in the bedroom with their wirey little freakazoid dog, Peanut. Mike came in and saw me and no one else in the living room, yet came up and shook my hand. He had a bandage on his hand from hurting himself at work that week (it was nasty).  He had kind eyes. This is what I remember most about first meeting these fuckers. Don’t forget the absolutely stunning color of blue that Brenda’s eye’s are. Unforgettable.

Brenda came out and at some point I noticed that there was an ashtray, which was whisked up and taken outside (where it belonged). The ashtray is significant in this story, why exactly? Because someone that smokes is usually someone that is not uptight. Somewhere inside I shouted a little ‘Hooray!’ inside my head. Yeah, I know, it’s wierd that I was happy about the fact that they smoked, but whatever, judge me however you want.

I stayed there for a while and found out that they liked to play cards. Adrian and I happen to love to play cards. Seriously though, up until this point, Adrian and I had spent time with other couples, but it was never something that all four of us would chose to do on our own. When someone through out the idea of getting together that night and playing cards as couples I was excited, and scared to death. So I gave them the typical warning about Adrian, he’s loud, redneck, offensive and can be quite an asshole but overall, he’s a wonderful man. Most people don’t ‘get’ that at all. lol

Adrian was game, as he usually is for anything, and we headed over that evening. The girls were all too excited about going back to see Hailey. (Who, by the way, is the most amazing tender-hearted loving little girl) Soon we were all laughing our asses off and having a good ol’ time sitting on their back porch, which was facing the canal that they lived on. Adrian saw the fishing poles that Mike had displayed and drooled on the tile floor. (I’m guessing that’s what happened, he see’s poles and I look away for fear of the “Honey I want this one, and this one… “)

We all got along. Amazing. But, really, not just got along, we all enjoyed each other. One better, they asked me what I was talking about when I warned them about Adrian. WTF? You mean to tell me you ENJOYED being around him? This has got to be a dream…

Turns out, they are f’ing rad. 6 months later (or so, who’s counting?) Adrian was Mikes best man and I was Brenda’s best woman in their wedding. Yeah.

I was so against moving there, so against staying there. I convinced myself that I still did hate it, even when I was sitting on the beach with Hailey and the girls in January – calling friends back home who are stuck at home in the snow to rub it in. I still tried to convince myself that I hated it there.

The truth is, I loved it. I loved it and I want it back. I want all 6 kids with us down there, for October through May of course. The rest of the year I’ll take off to someplace just as magical, in the PNW please.

I just can not understand the pull to be near Mike and Brenda. I love them both so much and it is so f’ing hard to be away. I miss Mike just as much as I miss Brenda (we call him my 2nd husband and adrian is Bren.’s 2nd husband too, no we are not sharing or swapping or swinging, at all).  Mike’s just the man. He fucking rocks.

Bren. and I talk on the phone regularly, about 2-3 times a week, minimum. We need to just put them on our family plan because I’m pretty sure I spend half of our allotted cell phone minutes on the phone with her every month. It’s still not enough.

I need to be able to just drop the girls off with her when I’m having a bad day, take a trip to Michigan and chill out with her.

I need to be able to go grab Hailey when the girls are whining that they miss her (which is daily by the way).

I need to be able to go make Bren. some soup when she’s sick.

I need to be able to make inappropriate jokes with her Dad. Because on the phone is just not the same.

I need to be able to play cards with someone.

I need to laugh my ass off for hours.

I need to watch movies with Bren. while the guys are fishing and the kids are playing.

I need to go camping with my favorite couple.

I need to tell Brenda how much she means to me and how much I’m sorry that I can’t seem to express it like she does. Nothing sounds better to me than when she says “I miss you, you fucking bitch”. She know’s I respond better to profanity than mushy-gushy.

I love you Mike. I love you Brenda. I love you Hailey. I even love you, Brandon.

p.s. – I was trying to put a couple of photo’s in here but since I last blogged there has been a complete upgrade (depending on how you look at it) of WordPress and I can’t manage to get a photo added. I finally managed to get this one in there, but it doesn’t look right and I’m really irritated with this “up”grade.

History

I don’t care to write about why Obama should or should not have won this election. I only care to comment on a bigger issue, in my mind anyway, maybe that’s crazy. I don’t care.

Look at how far our country has come. I finally feel proud. We’ve elected someone other than a white male. We’ve come so far as to have a Black man named President of the United States. That is incredible people, just incredible. I’m so proud to be an American right now. I’m so proud that our nation has come this far. Can you imagine what the times were like when Obama was born? How he was raised and look at him now… This proves that hopes and dreams can come true and that equality can be achieved. If we only try.

Movin’ on In!

Our things have been in storage for over a year now. Our couches, our furniture, our curtains, rugs, pots & pans, BEDS… EVERYTHING has been in f’ing storage. It’s coming home this weekend. It’s COMING HOME!!! I’m a little excited. We leave Friday and will be in Boise area for the weekend and come home Saturday night or Sunday morning. YAY!!! It’s going to be a major pain in the ass, but it will be SO worth it.

It’s going to take me forever to get everything moved where I want it and put away. I miss my couches so bad. I want to lay on my couches with my man and just watch movies and football all day. That is going to be the best thing. We have the kind of couch that you can remove the back pillows from and make it extra wide, perfect for the two of us to lay side-by-side. There’s not much that I like better than to be cuddled up with my man on a rainy day. I feel all fuzzy inside just thinking about it.

There is so much stuff in that storage unit it’s just going to be unreal getting it all in this house. I’m so stinkin excited though, you just don’t know! I’ll be busy till Christmas. Though I hope to have it all done sooner because I really want to have a housewarming party. That will be awesome!

Monday the girls and I did a bunch of crafts, made paper scarecrows and such. That was alot of fun and gave me idea’s for more crafts I want to do with them before too long. Yesterday we went to a meetup at one of my favorite parks (and one of the only ones we have been to here in Van.) with some girls from the homeschool group. Seems to always be the same ladies, and I’m just fine with that, love those ladies! Today I was going to hit up the zoo but it’s looking mighty cold out. Yesterday was such a perfect fall day. The crisp air and the sun out, it was beautifull!

I’m trying to get back to more regular blogging but with getting our stuff back this weekend and then the holidays fast approaching… I’m not sure how regular we’ll be! Please do check back though, I’ll be around at least a couple of times a week.

Yep, that’s my kids up there :)

There are 4 of my kiddo’s up in that picture. You like the new look? You don’t like the new look? Let me hear your opinions on the change in the blog. I wanted something fresh and that I could put my own photo in, this one just seemed to match. I love looking at that photo. That’s at Horseshoe Falls in Oregon, and there’s the O’s and the boys under there. This video shows the other side of the falls, from the kids view.

Why I Love Where I Live – 2

There are also many benefits to my location. Besides the fluffy stuff, we are close enough to *almost* everyone that we love, that we can see them pretty regularly.

I don’t actually know anyone in Vancouver besides Adrian’s work people and people I’ve met through homeschooling events. But right over the bridge is Doris, one of my best friends. I’ve known her for over 8 years now and she’s my go-to girl when I need parenting advice. Doris is my WWJD WWDD? person. Having her closeby is going to be amazing.

Jenn, my person, is about 2 hours from me, she is also one of my best friends. She’s amazing, she’s always honest, even if it’s not what I want to hear. She’s always there for me, even when I’ve behaved like an idiot. I kinda love Adam too… but don’t tell him that. I’ve seen Jenn 3 or 4 times already since coming back to the NorthWest. YAY!

Mac is my Mac-n-cheese. She’s a keeper too, also one of the bestest. Mac is always good for a debate, a smart-ass remark and a shoulder to lean on.  I love my mac-n-cheese. I find this a great time to address the spelling of her abbreviated name. It’s Mac people, not Mack. She’s not a Mack truck, she’s Mac. There.

My mom is in Seattle, close enough, but not too close. We are getting to be on better terms and I like going up to visit for a couple of days at a time.

These are the people that are closest to me, in more ways than one now.

Then heading south we have Chalaena, my little step-sis in Salem. I haven’t been able to see her yet, but as soon as we head south for a weekend in Roseburg we will definately go see her and my nephews and new little niece.

Then on farther down in Roseburg we have Adrians Mom, my favorite in-law of all time. She’s the best. We’ve seen her about 5 or so, times already. I am so lucky to have her in my life.

I have my Sister in-law Cari down there too. She rocks my socks. I can’t wait to see her more often!

There’s my other family, Amy’s family, Jenny, Brandy, Mariah and the rest of that cooky clan reside there. I love being able to visit with them when I visit the area! Now, if Amy would just move back there we’d be set!

There are lots of others in the area of Seattle, Portland and Roseburg that I haven’t mentioned, but they are just as important in my life and I’m SO f’ing happy to have them all closer.

Ash, Aimee, Katrina, Karen, Noelle, Shanna & the rest of my Portland girls, where the hell are ya!? Let’s get together!

Another cool thing about being back here, John is a great friend of mine and the lead vocals for Quoting Napoleon. Awesome music, made better by amazing vocals. Being here means I get to become a groupie again. YAY! I can’t wait to get to see them play!

I’m probably forgetting to mention people here but please don’t be upset if I didn’t mention you. If you know me, you know I’m a little flakey at times and you should be accepting of that fact.

Of course all of this good stuff means that I am missing my girl in Florida, Brenda, like crazy – I can’t even listen to my Carrie Underwood cd anymore without balling my eyes out.

Stay tuned my friends… I’m on a roll!

Why I Love Where I Live -

Here in Vancouver, Washington is where I reside now. It’s interesting that before we moved here I never visited this town more than twice. I have driven past it on I5 plenty of times, but that doesn’t count. I lived in Portland, Oregon for about five years and never managed to cross the bridge and see what Vancouver was all about. I love Portland, but I really love it here in Vancouver too. Maybe it’s just that I am so incredibly grateful to be back in the NorthWest and the general Portland area. I’m pretty sure though, that I love this town too.

Being a bit of a gypsy, or nomad or whatever you want to call me it’s hard to know where is the right place and if we’re ready to develop roots. You see, both Adrian and I are people that love a little bit of everything. We love the idea of living on about 15 acres in the middle of nowhere, but we’ve always said we’d want to be close to a big town or smaller city. The thing is that we both also love the idea of the really urban life too, living in the downtown area that’s up and coming, hip and trendy, with the wonderful things the NorthWest is known for. Microbreweries, amazing coffee shops, used book stores and antique shops, I love those things about the downtown areas. I love the idea of walking to these things from my home, saying hello to neighbors and passers-by on the way. Getting back to the 15 acres… we also love the idea of having a sustainable homestead. With a few cattle, chickens, pigs, cock-a-doodle-do and the whole she-bang. I want to be self sustaining! I want to send the kids out to the hen house to collect eggs every morning.

You see why it’s hard for us to decide? How do you find something in the middle. People usually can define themselves, put themselves into one of these two boxes – City Girl/Boy or Country Girl/Boy. I want both, dammit! *stomps feet with hands on hips* Why can’t I have both? Uh, I can try. I don’t know how successful I’ll be at that, seems a little far-fetched.

Loving two things at such opposite ends of the spectrum can really bite you in the ass.

So here I am, in this house built in the late 80’s, in a neighborhood where everyone has a pretty fair sized lot, we have about .25 acre to spread out on. The elementary is within walking distance, it’s actually IN my neighborhood. Last night I was sitting in the kitchen, it was incredibly quiet, girls went to bed early and I was on the puter, I heard the strangest sound. It was a marching band, like a high school marching band. A smile graced my face at that sound. Why, you ask? Why would I LIKE to be hearing those sounds at 8pm on a Thursday night, from my kitchen window?

I had to ask myself why as well. Why is it that when I open the drapes in the living room I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. This is not what I thought my dream house/property was. I really thought it was on 15 acres somewhere. Not in suburbia. Not in McNeighborhood. I am so taken by surprise, but have such delight over this.

I think it’s because of my childhood. I think it’s because as a child I always lived in the more run-down looking places. We almost always had a house, but it was never a nicer one with a nice fenced backyard and fresh paint and newer appliances. I think this is the house I dreamed of living in as a child. It’s from the late 80’s and at that point I was around 10-13 or so I suppose. It was new then, it was new when I wanted this kind of lifestyle so badly. The family with the Suburban in the driveway, the Dad tinkering in the garage and Mom puttering in the kitchen and the family dog roaming the fenced back yard and the kids climbing the tree in the yard. Soon there will be kids, many kids I imagine, dressed as pirates and princesses, ghosts and goblins gracing my front doorstep soon. Then there will be Christmas lights glowing throughout the neighborhood. *sigh* Normal Stuff.

The “normal” families had homes like this. When I look down deep, this has got to be the answer to why I am so damned happy in this house. The answer to why I am so damned happy at the sound of a marching band, telling me those normal kids are at the football field just around the corner, close enough to hear their screams of delight for the winning touchdown.

Deep shit.

I think I found it. I think I don’t ever want to move again. I can have a garden, heck, there’s already a greenhouse here. I need another bedroom eventually, but that can wait until later after we buy this place, like normal families buy instead of renting lifelong. After buying it, we’ll remodel and add that bedroom, like normal people do. I’ll even put chickens in my yard to feed that homesteading fire. I can still send the kids out for eggs.

Eventually, I’ll even make it into the gosh-darned phone book. This is my dream for now… and I’m livin’ it Baby.

Over and out.

Too Long, So Long

Been a long time, I know.

You see, I can’t ever decide what to write, now that we are actually moved and looking at some kind of normal daily routine. I can’t decide if I should just do updates until I’m caught up or what, because that leaves me in a nasty circle that won’t end, I’ll constantly be updating and not talking about current things….

So, I think I decided that you get the most cut-down version of my update. I will hopefully have enough time in the near future to do some posts about this summer and all of the adventures we had – there were many that were wothy of posting and sharing the photo’s.

Here’s the broken down version of the last few months.

June-

packed and moved out of our condo in the 3rd week

Drove cross-country with the boys, O’s and the dog & cat & uhaul trailer.

July-

Arrived in Oregon to find out we really needed to be in Washington

Arrived in Washington around the 1st of July.

Camped out around Vancouver Wa. for a combined total of about 6 weeks (there were about 3 nights in hotels spread out throughout that time)

August-

Moved into a home out in the boonies, that didn’t turn out well.

September-

Started our homeschooling for the year

October-

Moved into a house in town, Vancouver

Finally settling in (WHEEEWW)

Driving to Idaho this month to get our things out of storage and really, actually, finally, physically have our things in our home and finally start to feel at home and like we belong, to STAY.

That’s about how it goes up until this point….

On to the current news.

Things are looking good, things are going well, A & I are doing great, we are happy, healthy and loved. We are having a great time here and really feel great about being here, in Wa., in this house. We feel grounded.

More to come…. stay tuned!

I have a BIG idea

I would actually really like to get sponsorship for this idea, but I really don’t know how to go about doing that. I would, ideally, be able to present my idea to companies like The Travel Channel or maybe Discovery Channel or Discovery Kids, you get the picture right? The problem is I am just clueless about this sort of thing. I think that if I could figure out the best way to do this, I could make this idea dream a reality, in a big way and I think it’d be a beautiful thing.

How do you approach a major network with an idea for a show? Please, tell me your ideas!

Busy Busy

I have a lot going on right now. Today I have to get my kitty back in to the vet. She was fixed the other day and yesterday she ripped out one of her two stitches so today we go  back for a staple in the belly and a cone around the head to prevent further stitch ripping out.

They’ll also be taking a look at her wierd toe that I mentioned before. They were supposed to be fixing it when she was already under anesthesia but when I picked her up I was told “the doctor looked at her toe and the claw it totally fine so he just trimmed it anyway for you”. Right, the only claw that is trimmed is on the opposite leg! lol

Then I’ve got to go by The Body Shop for their sale today, I’m so addicted to their stuff. I only use their make-up, because it’s made with integrity and that is hard to find in make-up. Because of the way it is made and the ingredients (most all natural) they are also a little expensive. Normally these products would be WAY out of my price range, but you can’t beat the quality. So I will stop by their store today and hopefully I’ll be one of the first 50 through the door to get a door prize too. Yay! lol:)

After the mall I have to find some cheap-o decorations and prize gifts for the bridal shower and maybe some funnies for the bachelorrette party too. Which leads me to this question – How do you feel about your husband going out on the town for batchelor parties? Are you confident that he won’t do anything that wouldn’t drive you insane?

So when I’m done shopping today I will be coming home to cook and clean. The cooking part I love, thank God. Ever made dinner around just one ingredient? I happen to have a perfectly ripe avocado and so that means mexican! I’m making chicken enchilada’s tonight, my man is very happy about this. Any great enchilada recipes out there? I usually throw it together, I never really try recipes unless it’s something that I don’t know the basics of. Oh crap, I need to go to the store for lettuce, serrano peppers, olives and onions. Dang it.

So that’s my day in a nutshell, what’s yours lookin’ like?

Also wanted to ask about batchelorrette parties – what suggestions do you have for me? Any cool party idea’s or games?